Years ago, I had me a boyfriend who went to the gym with me. The gym was a meat market in the heart of Denver, and we took on the gym crowd with eager hearts, a desire to be badass Colorado athletes, and representing broken-in Spandex.
That’s right, you can’t show up at these type of gyms without the broken-in spandex. I am not talking about buying those luscious butt-beautifying spandex from Lululemon… No, I am talking about badass, old, broken-in spandex that hug your toosh so right that you can barely feel them on your skin anymore. No really, the fabric is so thin that you can actually feel the coldness on your cheeks. These spandex are your favorite… The cheeks fit right in them, they don’t give you the itchies like those “new” pairs, and really, let’s be honest, they turn your butt into prime badonkadonk. Yeah, I said it, prime badonkadonk.
Listen, I’m a stretcher. I made up this strange superstition, where if I can’t do this one bendy super-stretch in the mornings, then I am going to have a crappy-ass (pun intended) day. I know, how mean of me… But I get so excited when I do succeed and pull a muscle. To tackle this master stretching pose, I have to lay on my back, lift my legs in the air, and then drop my legs over the back of my head and try to touch my toes to the ground above my head… Better known as the “plow” pose in yoga (that’s my excuse… i just tell people I am doing yoga), but really, it is much more sexual than that. I can’t help but to get into the pose and wonder, “Who has been successful with this mission in the privacy of their own home?” Anyway, imagine the view… No, not of a struggling adult, but of a struggling sexy adult in badass broken-in spandex.
On that particular gym visit with my boyfriend from long long long ago… I held that pose for a good 3 minutes. I am sure I even got a few bounces in there. Remember, meat market gym… Meat market gym always place the stretching area in good site of the cardio machines. Everyone knows that the cardio machines are used just for spying. “Oh man, working up a sweat… sweating machine, oh, such a macho Colorado athlete. Look at my sweat marks on the back of my spandex. Om nom.”
I remember that workout. I felt so powerful, so energized, so, so, so Colorado. I even got some “gym eyes” from some meaties at the gym. “Wow, I remember thinking… These spandex do wonders.”
In the car ride home is when I heard the news. “Your spandex are see-through. You could see your ass through your badass broken-in spandex.” (I might have added those last three words myself for drama). “I couldn’t bare to tell you because I was laughing the entire night. Plus, it was funny to see all the other dudes stare at you.”
Most girlfriends would have been furious, but I was proud and felt entitled. And this my friends, this is where the spandex love began.