Follow my rules, assuming you are not a crazy fool on the date, and you improve your chances to get a second a date more often.
Get a Second Date More Often
1. Do Not Ask Him Out First
I know, crazy that someone like myself would say this, but the truth is, no matter how many times we hear men say that they love being asked out, it usually won’t get you a second date.
Hey, I did say “usually” for my protection, but the proof is simple. If you want to be courted, you have to surrender to the belief that if a man is really interested in you, I don’t care how shy he is, he will definitely let it be known.
I have asked out a handful of men, and most of them did not ask me out again. I could say that maybe I am not asking the right type of man out, but instinctively speaking here, so far the pattern has demonstrated that I like being courted, therefor I must not be the one that initiates the courtship, and you shouldn’t either if that is what you are looking for.
UPDATE: Many years later I think this is still true. However, I will point out that it IS your responsibility to INVITE the man in. Flirt with him with your eyes, body language, words, and physical touching. The point here is that it is your responsibility to show him you are interested. You can even tell him you WANT to go on a date with him. Crazy, right!? Just let him actually be the one to ask you on the date. And this goes along the lines of what Sherry Argov wrote in her book, “Why Men Love Bitches.” –> Don’t judge until you read it. It’s about the confident bitch, not the mean one
2. Kiss Him On the First Date
It can be awkward on the first date, and it still might be awkward on the 2nd. But awkward is exciting and the best part about it!
Give him a small, yes, very small and quick, a peck on the lips at the end of the first date.
This peck acts as an invite.
By initiating this simple kiss, you are making yourself vulnerable, as you are going against the “status quo” of no kiss on the first date. Going in for the peck can be is risky, but the truthfully innocent.
When it comes to kissing, do not wuss out and give him a kiss on the cheek. Kissing a man on the cheek will give him the wrong signal. Kiss his square on the lips, and it is ok to initiate it.
UPDATE: Many years later and this still holds true. I’d also like to add that from a feminist standpoint, you can do whatever you want and desire to do on the first date sexually. There are no WRONG choices or mistakes. I simply recommend this strategy IF your goal is to get a second date and potentially open up the opportunity for a committed relationship.
3. Do Not Text Him After the First Date
No. DON’T DO IT.
I don’t care if there was a blizzard on the way home where it snowed 3 feet in 2 hours.
Do not, and I repeat, do not text him to say thank you, goodnight, or safe travels. Nothing.
You have plenty of time to thank him and show him your appreciation for the date when you are with him in person. If you communicate clearly at the end of the date, he will know that you are interested and thankful.
If he texts you first, then give a quick and simple response, but whatever you do, refrain from texting him first after the first date.
But wait, how about the next day? This rule applies for the next day too…Do not text him to check in. If he wants to ask you on a second date, then he WILL get in touch with you.
UPDATE: Many years later and this still holds true. The point here is that you should be COMMUNICATING your appreciation on the date with your words and a kiss. Note that the kiss is IF you are interested. You can still be polite on the date and communicate your appreciation. That’s just being polite and responsible. If he took you out to dinner or bought you coffee or drinks and you are interested in him. A sincere, “Thank you for the lovely dinner. This restaurant was the best choice.” (The key word here being “best”) is all you need for him to know verbally how you feel. There you go, job done.
4. Do Not Friend Him on Facebook or Follow Him (publicly) on Twitter
Hey, don’t lie, we all have online stalked our dates at some point. But do not friend a gent before or after the first date.
Sure, online stalk him, and learn all about him if you want (although I do not always suggest it), just whatever you do, do not friend him yet.
You think he is not searching for you too? Sure follow his tweets, but do not “Follow” him on Twitter yet. He might be notified and this will disrupt the rule plan.
Just wait. I didn’t say that you couldn’t continue searching him and using your Google skills, just do not friend him.
UPDATE: Still holds true. Now I even recommend not searching/online stalking your date at all before your first date. Allow yourself to be genuinely curious and inquisitive to learn about your date. Plus you will save a lot of time and you can use that time to do things before your date that make you feel good about you. Examples: Workout, read, write, meditate, go for a walk, art project, etc.
5. Don’t Single Your Date Out on Facebook, Twitter, or Anywhere Online
I’m not saying you can’t post about dating in general, but if you single him out, and he happens to see it, or you have a mutual friend of some sort that you didn’t know about, he will most likely be embarrassed by your actions, and he will probably be turned off. I said “probably.” If he is head-over-heels like high school crush over you, he might like it…Do not post about him, not yet.
UPDATE: Years later this still holds true. What I have learned is that one date may or may not lead to two dates or three dates or more. Before you press “post” delete it and call your best friend instead. You will be thankful later.
6. Do Not Bring Up Past Relationships on The First Date
This seems like an easy one, but it is so easy to slip in things about past relationships and your date will catch on.
It’s those crazy stories, adventures, and impressive OMG moments we want to share because they sound impressive and fun. But if he starts asking details, or you say the word “ex” the energy WILL change. The energy might be in you, or it might be in him, but either way, if you are going to tell stories, turn the ex, old boyfriend, or fling into “my friend.” Too much of these stories that reference old partners get old really quickly.
UPDATE: Still true! Now I actually think the best thing is to demonstrate positivity about YOU and your life. What are adventures you have taken. Risks you have or want to take. If you don’t have any stories…Sit down and right some down so that you can reference them later. People want to hear about how you live YOUR live. That’s sexy. That’s empowering.
7. Do Not Make Yourself Sound Too Busy
Seems counterintuitive, right?
We all want to be honest on a date and talk about our real lives with someone. Hey, we don’t want to jump into anything that isn’t all us, right?
But, if you start telling him about how you have work non-stop, girls night on Mondays, yoga on Tuesday and Thursday, volunteer on Wednesday, and you love to travel over the weekends.
Well girl, he might like you, but you sure didn’t invite him in. You can talk about being busy, but note that you always make time for the right people, and that your schedule is flexible, which makes it fun.
UPDATE: This doesn’t get any easier as you get older. With demanding jobs and a family, make sure you are honest, but that you make it clear that you have you make time for your priorities. Owning up to that is sexy and also shows that you don’t have time to waste on the wrong things. If things don’t fall in your favor…”Oh well, plenty of other things going on that are important to me.”
8. Be Flexible With Your Schedule
On your first date, when you plan it with him and are scheduling…We all like a little of the game, but don’t make yourself seem so hard to book a date with that it is exhausting.
And even if you are not playing the game, girl, you have to move your schedule around to make this date happen. That is what dating is all about.
So, sorry, your are going to either have to skip yoga and go in the morning instead, or don’t go at all.
If you push him away at the beginning…He knows it will be just as challenging for date two, and if you are on the verge of maybe a second date, well you might have just made the decision for the both of you.
9. Buy Him a Drink Or Dessert After He Pays First
Let him buy dinner, or whatever he had planned for the date, but after that initial purchase, and if things are feeling right, continue the date on to your go-to bar, coffee house, dessert house, or whatever… But whatever you do, show the initiative, and pay for him.
What I love about this strategy is that it puts the ball back in his court.
Most men, and yes, this sounds so stereotypical, but most men like to end a date knowing they have the upper hand.
You paying for something at the end of the first date is graciously accepted, it shows you are interested, but if he is really interested, he will even it out so that the courting is balanced.
The second date will still be in his court, and he’ll balance it out by asking you, treating you, and rocking the weight back to his side.
UPDATE: Still true, except now. I often might limit a first date to an hour even if I am interested. Why? Because it’s a taste or appetizer…Not the entire meal! If he likes me, he will let it be known.
10. Confidence – Bring it, but Don’t Dominate Him
There is a difference between a woman who is like a dominatrix and a woman who is confident.
Show confidence by demonstrating you are happy with yourself, where you are, who you are, and what you represent. Because whether you get asked on a second date or not, girl, that is what you have, so own it and love it.
Feel sexy inside and it will be obvious in every move you take. Sometimes too much confidence can seem rather masculine (which isn’t a bad thing at all!), and might throw off the balance of the intimacy…Most men love a confident woman, but nobody likes an over-dominating significant-other who feels over-bearing.
UPDATE: Confidence never goes out of style. EVER.
11. Say Yes to the Second Date
Now, there are slight exceptions to the rule…Like if he disgusts you or he makes you uncomfortable or in danger…But any other excuse is NOT VALID.
GASP! I know, right. And yes, even if you didn’t feel the “spark.” LIFE CHANGING.
If you don’t say yes to the second date you are losing out on the opportunity to make yourself a better dater.
The best part of always saying yes to the second date is that it brings out an energy in you which is more visible and noticeable when dating other men, and on other dates.
It screams, “Hey, What do I have to lose, so bring it.”
Truth is, what do you have to lose? Say yes to the second date, and the worst you get out of it would be a boyfriend, friend, funny story, or a lesson. Can you really go wrong?
UPDATE: Even more true now. It can take a few dates before someone develops feelings for someone. So, if you are feeling a so-so with someone, it could sway either way. Give him and yourself a second date.