78 by AFriedman18 on December 5, 2010

11 Rules Women Must Follow to Get a Second Date With a Man

Second Date Drama

Do we really need an intro? I get asked on a second date 90% of the time. Now,the other 10% doesn’t mean I didn’t want a second date, but it didn’t always happen. Follow my rules, assuming you are not a crazy fool on the date, and you can pretty much count on a second date.

1. Do Not Ask Him Out First

I know, crazy that someone like myself would say this, but the truth is, no matter how many times we hear men say that they love being asked out, it usually won’t get you a second date. Hey, I did say “usually” for my protection, but the proof is simple. If you want to be courted, you have to surrender to the belief that if a man is really interested in you, I don’t care how shy he is, he will definitely let it be known. I have asked out a handful of men, and most of them did not ask me out again. I could say that maybe I am not asking the right type of man out, but instinctively speaking here, so far the pattern has demonstrated that I like being courted, therefor I must not be the one that initiates the courtship, and you shouldn’t either if that is what you are looking for.

2. Kiss Him On the First Date

It’s awkward on the first date, and it will be awkward on the 2nd. You should give him a small, yes, very small and quick, peck on the lips at the end of the first date. This peck acts as an invite. By initiating this simple kiss, you are making yourself vulnerable, as you are going against the “status quo” of no kiss on the first date. Going in for the peck can be is risky, but the truthfully innocent. When it comes to kissing, do not wuss out and give him a kiss on the cheek. Kissing a man on the cheek will give him the wrong signal. Kiss his square on the lips, and it is ok to initiate it.

3. Do Not Text Him After the First Date

No. I don’t care if there was a blizzard on the way home where it snowed 3 feet in 2 hours. Do not, and I repeat, do not text him to say thank you, goodnight, or safe travels. Nothing. If he texts you, then give a quick and simple response, but whatever you do, refrain from texting him after the first date. And this rule applies for the next day too… Do not text him to check in. If he wants to ask you on a second date, then he WILL get in touch with you. Texting him and trying to “up” your chances just gives you a false hope that maybe you will change his mind. His mind is probably already set.

4. Do Not Friend Him on Facebook or Follow Him (publicly) on Twitter

Add as FriendHey, don’t lie, we all stalk people. For me, it is part of my job, so I feel like it is more excusable. But do not friend a gent before or after the first date. Sure, stalk him, and learn all about him if you want (although I do not always suggest it), just whatever you do, do not friend him yet. You think he is not searching for you too?  Sure follow his tweets, but do not “Follow” him on Twitter yet. He will be notified and this will disrupt the rule plan. Just wait. I didn’t say that you couldn’t continue searching him and using your Google  skills, just do not friend him.

5. Don’t Single Your Date Out on Facebook, Twitter, or Anywhere Online

I can’t say that everybody is as educated about what is and is not private on the internet, so do not post about your date online… Not saying you can’t post about dating in general, but if you single him out, and he happens to see it, or you have a mutual friend of some sort that you didn’t know about, he will most likely be embarrassed by your actions, and he will probably be turned off. I said probably. If he is head-over-heels like high school crush over you, he might like it… but then, you should think about how immature your date might be in the first place. Do not post about him, not yet.

6. Do Not Bring Up Past Relationships on The First Date

This seems like an easy one, but it is so easy to slip in things about past relationships… Think stories, adventures, impressive OMG moments… We tend to want to share impressive and fun things while on a date, but if he starts asking details, or you say the word “ex” the energy WILL change. The energy might be in you, or it might be in him, but either way, if you are going to tell stories, turn the ex, old boyfriend, or fling into “my friend.” Too much of these stories that reference old partners get old really quickly… Then all of a sudden you notice you are self conscious about it.

7. Do Not Make Yourself Sound Too Busy

We all want to be honest on a date and talk about our real lives with someone. Hey, we don’t want to jump into anything that isn’t all us, right? But, if you start telling him about how you have work non-stop, girls night on Mondays, yoga on Tuesday and thursday, volunteer on Wednesday, and you love to travel over the weekends. Well girl, he might like you, but you sure didn’t invite him in. You can talk about being busy, but note that you always make time for the right people, and that your schedule is flexible, which makes it fun.

8. Be Flexible – I Mean, With Your Schedule

On your first date, when you plan it with him and are scheduling…We all like a little of the game, but don’t make yourself seem so hard to book a date with that it is exhausting… And even if you are not playing the game, girl, you have to move your schedule around to make this happen… That is what dating is all about. So, sorry, your are going to either have to skip yoga and go in the morning instead, or don’t go at all… But if you push him away at the beginning… He knows it will be just as challenging for date two, and if you are on the verge of maybe a second date, well you might have just made the decision for the both of you.

9. Buy Him a Drink Or Dessert After

Let him buy dinner, or whatever he had planned for the date, but after that initial purchase, and if things are feeling right, continue the date on to your go-to bar, coffee house, dessert house, or whatever… But whatever you do, show the initiative, and pay for him. What I love about this strategy is that it puts the ball back in his court. Most men, and yes, this sounds so stereotypical, but most men like to end a date knowing they have the upper hand. You paying for something at the end of the first date is graciously accepted, it shows you are interested, but if he is really interested, he will even it out so that the courting is balanced. The second date will still be in his court, and he ill balance it out by asking you, treating you, and rocking the weight back to his side.

10. Confidence – Bring it, but Don’t Dominate Him

There is a difference between a woman who is like a dominatrix and a woman who is confident… show confidence by demonstrating you are happy with yourself, where you are, who you are, and what you represent. Because whether you get asked on a second date or not, girl, that is what you have, so own it and love it. Feel sexy inside and it will be obvious in every move you take. Sometimes too much confidence can seem rather masculine, and might throw off the balance of the intimacy…Most men love a confident woman, but nobody likes an over-dominating significant other who feels over-bearing.

11. Say Yes to the Second Date

Now, there are slight exceptions to the rule… Like if he disgusts you, you are pretty sure he is gay, or he makes you uncomfortable or in danger… but any other excuse is NOT VALID. If you don’t say yes to the second date you are losing out on the opportunity to make yourself a better dater. The best part of always saying yes to the second date is that it brings out an energy in you which is more visibile and noticable when dating other men, and on other dates. It screams, “Hey, What do I have to lose, so bring it.” Truth is, what do you have to lose? Say yes to the second date, and the worst you get out of it would be a boyfriend, friend, funny story, or a lesson. Can you really go wrong?

Categories: Dating :: Featured :: Humor :: Personal :: Risk Taking

  • guesswho

    Awesome tips, Alex. You are definitely a pro dater :-)

    • http://www.alexandrafriedman.com Alexandra Friedman

      Well, I can take that crown with pride…For now…Ask me again in 10 years. ;)

  • Mahi Ceviche

    7 of 11 so far. We will see how things go.

    • http://www.alexandrafriedman.com Alexandra Friedman

      Hahaha, I should add a new rule…Don’t blog about dating just in case your date from last night sees it!? Nice move.

  • Anonymous

    Wait… I thought kissing on the first date WAS the status quo…

    • http://www.alexandrafriedman.com Alexandra Friedman

      “WAS” is your answer here, my friend. Because if it had worked you would have used present tense. Muah to you anyway!

      • Anonymous

        Pardon, my colloquialism… I meant “WAS” in the present tense, silly (makes sense in my head at least). I’m pretty sure kissing on the first date hasn’t been the downfall of any relationship I’ve had, but you never know…

        • http://www.alexandrafriedman.com Alexandra Friedman

          I think you and I are on the same page here…I suggest that women DO kiss on the first date if they want a second date…A lot a women, and I mean a lot, make the intention of NOT kissing on the first date…It’s not saying it will fail the relationship…For most women it is like a self-respect thing…They feel if it gets too intimate too fast, the relationship doesn’t last as long…Damn games.

  • Anonymous

    Dear “Pro Dater”,

    I always secure the second date while on the first date… sometimes before the kiss… sometimes after… is that wrong?

    • http://www.alexandrafriedman.com Alexandra Friedman

      I LOVE this…No, this is not wrong, this is ideal and awesome if you are both into it…Although it can backfire if the chick is not interested (or interested yet)…But if she is interested, securing while on the first date is major success and is very flattering…Keep up the good work Hawt Shot!

      • Anonymous

        Thanks, coach :)

  • Catherine Carol

    I Go on a first date. Gets the texts from him nearly everyday for two weeks. But the text Always begins with a ” how are you dear” and ends with a “have a good day ahead”. No second date was scheduled. Hence, I still go about doing my own things based on my schedule. This has happened to me a couple of times. I am inclined to think men like these are not really available and are not looking for someone for a committed relationship. Am I right? Should I just leave it as it is since the text has stopped for the past two days and still no second date.

    • http://www.alexandrafriedman.com Alexandra Friedman

      I’ve learned that a man is like a job offer…If he wants you, he will let you know! Sorry my friend, his texts don’t mean that he doesn’t want a committed relationship, he just doesn’t want to continue on a second date with you. If I were you, I would not respond to his texts and just ignore him. Do things in your life that feel good, and him leading you on like this probably doesn’t feel good. If you say this happens a lot, then I recommend that you change your strategy, and don’t answer their texts at all if he is just playing games! Trust me, there is an amazing gent out there just right for you…I PROMISE. What you need to do first is let go of the negative people that are bringing you down. Don’t only not worry about the man who stopped texting you…Erase his number and realize that it is all part of the journey. Good luck and let me know how you love turns out! <3 <3

  • http://www.facebook.com/vrunda.assar.7 Vrunda Assar

    I spoke to this guy(a month) before we met( with no expectation) ,we like each other ..its been a 2 weeks but unfortunately due to circumstances we cant meet. He is busy all day mostly with work but we speak during the night.He is leaving the country for a while but we both feel like having a second date but i am not sure ? should i meet him ? for me distance relationship have not worked in the past.

    • http://www.alexandrafriedman.com Alexandra Friedman

      I think the old Alex would tell you to learn from your mistakes, but as I have gotten older I have realized that most of my mistakes have been based around assumptions. I say give it a try…It’s just a 2nd date and not a relationship yet. Try to live in the moment and see the connection you have when you are together. If he is moving to another country, that will make the long distance aspect probably too hard…Unless you end up falling in love and one of you moving to be with the other. Take the risk for the 2nd date, and don’t make the assumption that it will be anything more…Life and love is all about taking risks! IT scares you for a reason…Now go out and take on that challenge of the unknown. Good luck!

      • http://www.facebook.com/vrunda.assar.7 Vrunda Assar

        Well i guess then i will book a flight soon. Thanks a lot Alex

    • http://www.facebook.com/vrunda.assar.7 Vrunda Assar

      Well i am back from my trip, had more than second date in a way. Though he was busy most of the day we got few hours to spent in evening. Well he says he needs time to decide whether he is in or not ( when i asked if he wanted to take the relationship to the next level). He has promised to see me on my birthday ( in a few days). The only thing i am not clear about him is that whether he serious about being in a relationship or not. We do like each other but we speak like 1-2 in a day for not more than 3 minutes. Being with him also gave a clear picture and insight on truth and facts. He seems to be a nice guy, but somewhere i feel he wants to be the only one to decide how the relationship should be paced. Is this good or bad? Please help

      • http://www.alexandrafriedman.com Alexandra Friedman

        Dearest friend…Sorry for the delay on my part…Lots of website trouble. Anyway, by now you have had some time to let all of this play out…Where are you with things with him? From your last message above, I say MOVE ON. You are obviously craving more from him then he is willing to give to you right now. You gave it your best shot and put yourself out there…You did the best you could and that is being authentic to what you wanted and how you respect yourself. Now keep up with that, and walk away and give the energy that you were giving to him back to yourself…In no time you will see that you will attract another man who matches what you give to yourself. I PROMISE. Keep us updated!

  • MaryB

    I already did ask him out, first what now!?

    • http://www.alexandrafriedman.com Alexandra Friedman

      Hi Mary, so sorry for my delay. Had some recent problems with my website comments.

      By now your situation has probably changed dramatically…Where are you with this lucky man at this point?

      Back to your original concern, no worries about the fact that you asked him out first…There is still a great chance! If you do ask a man out first, be prepared to let him take some of the masculine roles on the date…For example, you can ask him out, but then have him recommend a place to eat or go…And then when the check comes, hold your ground! Let him pay…If you ask him out first, you just need to let him catch up on the rest of the date. Keep us updated and keep on following your heart, Mary!

  • Susan

    Dear Pro Dater. Thank you for this great article.
    Can you help me
    fix this dating problem I have? After each date he’d say “I had a great
    time let’s go out again”, but then he was really lax on contacting me.
    So I contacted him to make plans (which I probably shouldn’t have) and
    he always did seem into it. We went on about 4 or 5 dates. I figured
    after that many dates and being intimate I should see if he wanted to be
    exclusive and this blew up on my face. He said he was getting over a
    long-term relationship and a couple weeks later the ex was trying to get
    back together with him. She is a totally bad match for him because
    she’s in a huge amount of debt and they argued about it a lot. Normally I
    would just leave it, but we had such a good connection and I asked him
    if he felt the same and he said yes! I can’t stop thinking about him.
    Any advice (other than forget him, because that seems too hard right
    now)? We went out once as friends and had such a good time, but it’s
    hard to really just be friends. I initially thought maybe if we hang out
    as friends eventually he might resolve the thing with the ex. Also, he
    continues to say things like “we should watch this movie together”, etc -
    you know loosely making future plans to spend time. Should I tell him
    how I feel (that I really fell for him but can’t keep doing this) and
    then tell him to call me when he figures things out? But also mention
    that I’m dating other people now and if he waits too long I might not be
    available? Or should I just continue to hang out with him as friends?
    (and if so is it okay to ask him to hang out because we’re just
    friends?)

    • http://www.alexandrafriedman.com Alexandra Friedman

      Hi Susan, Sorry for the short delay…I assume since you posted this about a week ago that you are still in the same situation, is that right?

      First of all, no more friendship hangouts. Cut it out! Why should he still get what he wants from you…The companionship and your time yet none of the commitment…You are still not being authentic to what I hear that you are wanting from a relationship right now.

      I know you really cared about him and felt a connection…That certainly comes through your comment…

      Here are the steps I would take if I were you:

      - Stop hanging out all together
      - I would call him and tell him that I enjoy being friends, but I am not looking for a friendship right now, I’m looking for a committed relationship. With that said, I’m not sure it’s best we hang out anymore for a while. I’m going to continue dating and socializing until I find the commitment I am looking for.
      - I would not email him, text him, call him, Facebook him, or stalk him…Nothing. I would quit cold turkey
      - In 6-8 weeks, if he hasn’t reached out to me, I’d send him a friendly email saying hello…But not with the intention of getting him to like me. Just a hello.

      If you follow these steps, you should have felt good about moving on…Trust me, If he wants you, he will be like a job offer…He WILL find a way to get in touch with you.

      The trick here is the first step. By declaring what you want for yourself sets an intention and shows your confidence. That in itself is enough to attract a man that wants to give you in return what you are willing to give out. If your old dude comes back, it will be because he wants a committed relationship…But don’t stop dating other people until you hear that from him FIRST.

      • Susan

        Hi Alexandra. Thanks for the reply. Yes, it’s still going on :)
        I went out with him again last weekend it was the same sort of hazy stage between friendship and a relationship. I ended up crying and sending him home. It’s clear he has feelings for me too, but this is just too hard. I’m ready to try what you’re suggesting. I do have one concern though. I’m not sure he’s ready for a relationship because he was with this woman for several years. I’m willing to take it slowly to give him time to recover, but I’m not sure how to get this across and ask for a committed relationship at the same time.

        • http://www.alexandrafriedman.com Alexandra Friedman

          Hi Susan,

          It’s going to be hard to say this because I know it’s not what you want to hear…But I say let this guy go. He is obviously either not over his ex or not that into you. Why compromise for the time being with the “hope” that he will eventually like you and be as into you as you are with him…

          Tell him what you are looking for and then let him go…He could be ready in a month or two months, or never…Why wait it out like that?

          Think about it like this…In the beginning stages of a relationship, it should be mesmerizing, cloud 9 and exciting…You shouldn’t be having to make an excuse for his behavior or yours.

          I know it’s hard to let go, believe me…I did this just last year with someone I really liked as well…But I knew I was just not getting what I was putting out there…No matter how I changed my strategy. So I had to cut strings and move on.

          To live in the moment is really hard…Right now you are betting on the future.

          • Susan

            No, it’s not what I want to hear :)
            You said with this guy that you tried changing your strategy. What did you try? Cutting him off altogether doesn’t feel right. But I think asking for a break and letting him know what I want sounds like a good idea.

          • http://www.alexandrafriedman.com Alexandra Friedman

            I changed my strategy by just cutting him off completely. It was such a great decision for me. If it was easy we wouldn’t be human! Take a break for as long as possible :) good luck!

  • Emily

    I asked my guy on a first date and we had fun. Then I asked him on a second. We’re both 13 and need somewhere cheap, fun and romantic. Where should we go? We are both new to the dating game.

    • http://www.alexandrafriedman.com Alexandra Friedman

      Hi Emily, Sorry for the delay…Has your second date happened yet? I think at 13 a romantic date very mature of you! Make sure it is something you feel comfortable with, because that is when things are most romantic…When it’s comfortable. I don’t know where you live, but I recommend an easy picnic in a well known park or scenic area. Grab some sandwiches and hang out on a nice afternoon. Good luck!

  • Shelly

    Sigh… I’ve broken some of these rules in the past few months with various guys. I’ve asked a few men on dates, and had a great time so I later texted them after the first date. Annnnnd… no second dates as a result. I guess my biggest challenge is that I’m impatient and want to move ahead … any suggestions on how to work on this?

    • http://www.alexandrafriedman.com Alexandra Friedman

      Funny you say this, I just recently broke my own rule as well…Proving to myself that I was correct!!! ha! Man, did I get the cold shoulder from this ‘gent. But all the signs pointed that he was interested! See, we ALL do this. So normal. So hard to escape!
      First of all, I think you have to realize that it is ok to follow your feelings sometimes…Let’s stop being so hard on ourselves and just realize that it is ok to be excited and hopeful.
      Here is my input…You know how they say that sometimes you have to date different types of people to find the right match? That if you keep dating the same type of person and it keeps not working out, then you should mix up the type of person you are dating…I think the strategy we have WITHIN dating should follow the same rule. If the process is not working for you (You texting them because you are impatient), try a new strategy. Chances are you will have a different response, feel different, and then attract different types of people. So, can you look at it like that?

      Keep us updated on your progress.

      • Shelly

        Makes sense to try a different process if it isn’t working for me. I know it’s not a perfect system, but I’m trying…
        So I’ve met a great guy 2 weeks ago (from an online dating site). I waited for him to ask me out (✓). It seemed like we both had a great time on the date: we started with coffee, then we went to a comedy show, and then grabbed some drinks. I let him know that I was catching a flight for a week-long trip to Hawaii the following day. While he was walked me to the subway at the end of the night, he invited me to go to dinner with him at his favorite Italian restaurant upon my return back, which I said yes to (✓). I kissed him as we said goodnight to each other (✓). He texted me to ask if I made the subway, so I replied. (I waited for him to msg first ✓). I kiiiiind-of bent the rules by asking him if HE wanted to add ME on Facebook (my rationale was so that we didn’t have to keep communicating via the dating site). He did add me, so I said a quick hi via Facebook and then went on my vacation. This guy didn’t contact me at all during the week, but he did send me a ‘welcome back’ message once I had returned. I waited a day and responded briefly. I did NOT mention anything about the 2nd date, although it was really hard for me to hold back. Soo overall things seem to be progressing pretty well… but I was hoping that he’d ask me to go out again and I haven’t heard a response. It’s the weekend already… I’m keeping in mind your perspective of “move on if there is no response”, and “he will contact you if he likes you”…. but it’s hard to move past my old habit of wanting to ‘check-in’ (to try to hint that I’m still interested in meeting up with him again). How did you get past this?

        • http://www.alexandrafriedman.com Alexandra Friedman

          Hi Shelly,

          Your question came with good timing…I myself am in a very similar situation.
          Here is my suggestion…You are not alone. Let’s take on this challenge together. You are doing everything right, and the truth is, I am not sure there is much more you can do. He obviously is very interested…He obviously remembered you were away…Counting down the days until you were back? Not sure. But he does seem interested.
          Wanna know the catch? You met him online. Screw the “he must be really busy” thing. Truth is…He is probably busy checking out other awesome chicks and maybe even hanging out with them.
          You must stay in your most feminine space. Wait it out.

          Repeat after me…Wait it the fuck out.

          In the meantime, you guys are active on facebook…Perfect place to “check in” with him without you doing it directly. Don’t show partying pics or you with other men or post about dates. Stay mum and post positive feminine stuff…Photos from your trips, funny updates, etc. Don’t over post…But the more pictures, the more likely he is to see you in his feed.
          Stay positive. Stay you. Stay busy.

          My strategy for now is to wait it the fuck out. Stay positive. Let it happen naturally like it did before. Go out on other dates.
          Check back with me in a week and we can figure it out from there…And remember, WAIT IT OUT!

  • Emmie

    I think these are helpful tips! At 29 I am impressively dating retarded with limited experience and am always friends with guys so I tend to feel more comfortable relating to them on that level – no good for dating! I went out with a guy Tuesday and played by the rules. He texted me the very next day saying he wanted to go out again without making set plans. I kept the response short and light and he has contacted me a few times since. I always make sure to sound interested in the convo while keeping my response short, prompting him to continue the conversation at his pace. Okay, so far so good. BUT HE WON’T SET A SECOND DATE YET! It’s really frustrating because he is totally trying to woo me, but i don’t know what the holdup is! Suggestions?

    • http://www.alexandrafriedman.com Alexandra Friedman

      Le Sigh, This is such a hard scenario! To give it to you straight, he asked you out once…So he obviously knows how to ask you out.
      I would stop responding so quickly when he does reach out…Start slipping away! Because to be honest, it sounds like you have enough guy friends. Also, since you are more used to having men in your life as friends, it is possible that your texts are coming across more friendly and less flirty. Also…He is TEXTING you. I would prefer that he actually called you.
      So, stop responding so quickly, and when you do, make it cute and fun. I would recommend that you ask him out or hint at it…But the straight up truth is, if he wants you, he will ask you out. Period. You can take him on a 3rd or 4th date. But the 2nd date is his territory.
      If a few weeks have passed by and nothing has happened, invite him to a group function where he won’t be your center of attention. Most likely that will spark his interest again.
      Do not give up. Try to channel your inner flirt and bring that feminine energy out for some fun. Keep us updated, and remember that you are a prize!!!!

      Alexandra Friedman
      alexandrafriedman.com
      Online Content & Engagement Strategy

  • Jen

    Awesome article.

    Was out on a date with a guy last night – 5 hours of talking over drinks. Had a quick peck on the lips. He texted me to ask if I got home safely and I said yes (short like you mention above!). He hasn’t messaged me all day today. How many days do I give him to get back to me before I move on? :_

    • http://www.alexandrafriedman.com Alexandra Friedman

      You have to move on right now! If he texts, great…But if you expect him to text, you might build yourself up for a let down. I love that he texted you and it sounds like you guys had great energy…If he texts you or contacts you again, AWESOME. Otherwise, don’t wait around…Flirt it up, accept other dates, and keep on putting that awesome energy out there. The more you put those positive (non worrying and excited) vibes into your circle of friends and connections, the more it will come back to you…Either with this ‘gent or another.
      Keep us updated!

      Alexandra Friedman
      alexandrafriedman.com
      Online Content & Engagement Strategy

  • Sam M.

    Hi, I went out on a first date with my ex-boyfriend (we broke up 7 years ago) 4 days ago and he hasn’t texted or called me after the date. He initiated a date a year ago but we didn’t follow through, and 2 weeks ago, I messaged him again and asked him out. He hasn’t texted since our date and it’s been 4 days already. We really connected again and I could tell he was interested, and we made out a bit before he sent me home. Do you think I should text him for a second date? Or should I wait?

    • http://www.alexandrafriedman.com Alexandra Friedman

      Do not text. Do not initiate. You broke up for a reason. And what do you mean “sent you home”? Something about your story is not sitting right for me. You deserve someone that can’t get enough of you…Not somebody that yanks your chain years since a breakup. I know it is harsh to hear, but cut your losses. Literally. Cut him (and you) off. Don’t text. Don’t call. Cut it off.
      If it’s meant to happen, it will just flow. Anything that is forced or becomes a game will most likely drag on and on with the same game.
      Cut him and yourself off and move on. You are a new woman now and deserve the BEST. Go get it.
      Alexandra Friedman
      alexandrafriedman.com
      Online Content & Engagement Strategy

  • Priceless01

    Omg, great article! Too bad I found it after my date. I’m 29 and went on a date this past Friday with a 33yr old man. I feel we hit it off. I guess I messed things up by texting him the same evening to thank him for the date and again the next day to let him know I was thinking of him because I had not heard from him. He did reply and we texted for a bit but his responses were 1-2 word responses, which is unlike him. Today, Sunday, I haven’t heard from him at all. I haven’t text or called him all day. What should I do know? Continue to not contact him?

    • http://www.alexandrafriedman.com Alexandra Friedman

      You are right, do not contact him at all. He knows you are interested…It’s his turn now.
      The text to say thank you can go either way…I hear a lot of men like it because they feel acknowledged and they can tell you are interested…But I still don’t do it. I only respond.
      It was your second text that might have put it over the line. Hey, I’ve been there…MANY times. I am glad you followed your heart! But now, all you can do is move on. He owes you nothing and you owe him nothing. He will reach out if he is interested…He did it before, and thus, he CAN do it again.
      Go out with other men…You are a prize and you should be with someone who adores you and shows it.
      Good luck!

  • MagnificentSynonym

    I’ve been dating several men, meeting others online and wherever, having fun and feeling quite carefree. Met a guy while working in another city last week. He lives there. We flirted all week during the event. Out with a group at end of our event, he was affectionate and asked me out for the next night, my last night there. We met late after work obligations, ended up going to my hotel room but I like him and oh yes, our clothes stayed on and it turned into a sweet getting-to-know-you situation, talking and sweet kissing and hugging only. Hard to say goodbye but we did. He hinted that he wnted me to change plans and stay two more days, to keep our momentum. Talk of future visits (same coast, flight less than 3 hours each way). He asked me to text when back in my city. Flight landed and he’d already texted. I replied, then he said it was a very nice time with you, and I sensed a but. So I said thanks, with you too, and asked him to call me sometime soon. Figured this made it clear text wouldn’t cut it for continuing momentum, also left it to him to court me. I then proceeded to text lightly, noting that an article of clothing he’d given me kept me warm on the plane, but now I’m in a cab with windows open (I live in a warm place), and then that I would like to see him again in my city, his, or two cute places he’d referenced in our time together. Four short texts at once. He replied that convo with me is always welcome, that he’d call during the week, that maybe we’ll see each other again very soon. I didnt reply that night, feeling I had texted enough. Yesterday I texted sounds good, look forward to your call, how’s your day going? He sent three texts in reply, about his day and asking about mine. I was in a mtg and couldn’t reply for 90 min, then lightly commented on his day and answered bout mine. Haven’t heard from him since. (This was about 30 hours ago.) I fear my awkward texting has done something to misconception my interest and desire for mor. Long distance is tricky. Plus, texting is tricky, and though fairly flaunt, English isn’t his first language. Help!

    • http://www.alexandrafriedman.com Alexandra Friedman

      Dearest Friend,

      I believe you had a sweet one night fling and nothing else. There is no relationship…You didn’t text wrong or too many times or with the wrong tone. He got your texts and understands them…Despite his English skills. Although it sounds like a genuine connection…You didn’t create a bond strong enough for him to have a long distance anything with you.
      I would shut this down as soo as possible…Instead concentrate on the men in your life who live closer to you and won’t be playing the same games.
      Sounds like you have a lot of men in your life right now…You don’t need another distraction and something harder to maintain.
      Good luck and keep us updated.

      XOXO

  • http://www.facebook.com/Brandz19 Brenda Cenary

    Hey Alex. I recently went on a date two weeks ago with a guy I met online. Everything was going good. I didnt kiss him on the first date because I told him I don’t kiss on the first date. He text me when he got home and told me he enjoyed meeting up with me. we text for a few and after that for the next two days his text were brief. Then he just stop texting. Till this day I never got any text or call from him. I really liked him and really wish I had a do over. Wish there was a way I could get him to give me a second chance.

    • http://www.alexandrafriedman.com Alexandra Friedman

      Move on…He should of asked you out in the texts after. You deserve someone that can man up and take some action. Next time, I challenge you to a little peck on the first date…Helps build up The anticipation for the next visit.

      You deserve a great and confident man.

      Sent from an iPhone because it makes me look cool.

  • Gale

    Hi I’ve never posted on any sort of blog before but I wanted to know what people think of this situation.
    So I went out on a date on Valentines day last Thursday (with a guy I met online).
    From my point of view the date went well- he complimented me a few time on the way I looked, and at the end of the date he said he would like to see me again. Obviously I said yes and we both thought the weekend after our date would be best. ( A kiss on the cheek at the end of the date.. Should I look into that or is that okay? He sent me a text that night saying he had a good night, thanks for the lift etc with an x. Anyway before we met up in person we chatted every day or every second day.. now I have t heard from him since Thursday. So that’s 5 days…. What do I think about that????

    • http://www.alexandrafriedman.com Alexandra Friedman

      Pretty ballsy of the guy to take you out on Valentine’s Day…That was a good choice on his part. Don’t worry about the kiss on the cheek, nothing you can do now, and I think a kiss on the cheek is cute-ish. Truth is…If he likes you, he will contact you…You went on one date. He doesn’t owe you anything…No matter how attentive he was before the date.
      It’s been a while now…I think it is safe to assume he isn’t as interested as you are. You can text him a flirty hello and ask him out if you REALLY want to…But you want feel good about it in the long run if he isn’t initiating it.
      I know how hard it is…We get so excited even after a 1st date. Truth is, sometimes men just go on dates to have fun. It takes them longer to create an emotional connection with us.
      Move on. You deserve someone who can’t wait to see you that they actually book you for your next date at the end of the last date.

  • http://www.alexandrafriedman.com Alexandra Friedman

    Girl, trust that smart and sexy instinct. This gent might be a nice guy, but I don’t like how he invited you up to his place after the first date. And you guys have known each other for months? Kind of disrespectful.
    If he was a gentalman he would give you some smooches and not invite you inside. I mean, I’m not saying he is a bad guy or this is a bad thing…He is a man with needs, and you sparked those needs…But the truth is, inviting you inside after the first date is a little presumptuous, don’t you think?
    I don’t think you got played…If anything, you shot him down and he got played…Aka, he didn’t get the booty he wanted and now he is pouting.
    Leave it be. Wait for a man who treats you like the prize you are. In the beginning, men show through actions and not words. His kind compliments don’t mean anything when he doesn’t ACT kind. Leave it be. Move on.

  • http://www.alexandrafriedman.com Alexandra Friedman

    You told this man on the 1st date that you follow the “three date rule”? So basically you told him you would sleep with him on date 3? Don’t do that ever again…you backed yourself into a corner.
    I don’t even care about the texting at this point…I care more about the fact that you seem like a planner and like to know what will happen when. I understand, I’m the same way…But with dating, you MUST just be open to the flow. Some work, some won’t. Some have 3 dates and some have 1.5…Don’t give time deadlines or expectations…Just go with it.
    And going with it at this point means letting go of controlling the situation. Let him be the man and text you. Let him be the man and try to woo you with kisses and attention. Use this date as a lesson for your future dates. Not knowing how it will turn out and what will happen when is the exciting (and scary!) part about dating…But it sure is a lot more authentic and natural.

  • Eileen

    Hi, I know you say “don’t text first” but what is the protocol is during the date he asks to see you again, he goes in for a great kiss at the end and says text me? Is this a blow off? Do I text?

    • http://www.alexandrafriedman.com Alexandra Friedman

      No, don’t text.

      He should come after you. Sounds like an immature man. Move on to someone that treats you like a lady and is excited to get in touch with you…Also, he went in for a kiss and then said that? Um, he doesn’t deserve a kiss from you. Yuck.

  • Andrea

    Hi Alexandra!!

    I meet this guy online, we just chat for a little while and then we meet, the date went good we talked for almost 4 hours, it was really nice, I was feeling really good about this, at the end of the date we didn’t kiss, I guess I am a bit shy and I am afraid of getting rejected… later that night he texted saying that he had a great time and that we should meet again… and answer just “me too, and see you later” well the next day at night texted him (sorry I know,I should have waited, but I cant!!) telling him that I was going to a bar with my friends, and if he wanted to go, hesaid yes but just for one drink and we meet there, it was a nice night we dance a bit and he stayed longer, he offer me to take me home and when I was saying goodbye he ask me that when can we meet again and I said that now it was up to him because I made the first moved , we laugh and then I was saying bye and he ask me for a kiss and of course we kissed, it was nice, I have to stop myself because It was getting intense (not in the sexual way, it was just too good) I said bye and that’s it, I didn’t get a text that night, the next day he didn’t text me and I saw him
    online and I just said hi, but he didn’t answer… I don’t know what to do, I really like this
    guy, should a send him a text? What should I say? I feel that I did bad when I didn’t
    say when can we meet again, I think I was just waiting for him to make the move,
    I regret not having agreed to a third date… what should I do?? Should I invite
    him to do something with me? He just came back to the city two months ago and I am new here… It can be a good excuse to do something… I don’t know what to think and I am feeling sad :(

    • http://www.alexandrafriedman.com Alexandra Friedman

      Don’t feel sad…Feel excited that you are closer to finding the man that makes you feel like this all of the time…And when he is actually WITH you he is making you feel this way. In the meantime, you have a few short lessons to learn about allowing yourself to be pursued.
      I’ve done the same thing as you…Texted and invited the man to do something with me and my friends, or just me…They ALWAYS say yes, but it never pans out to much more.
      Be happy to realize that you have most of the control in these situations…He asks you out, you say, “yes!” You can step up your game when you are ON the date…Say, offer to pay for the drinks after dinner on the second date…But no more initiating the dates, even if you are trying to play the game with cute comebacks. Don’t worry about the fact that you didn’t tell him when you could do another date again…If he liked you that much, he would have set up the next date RIGHT THEN. And if not right then, he would have texted or called you to make a plan.
      You didn’t do anything wrong…You just took the lead a little too much because you were excited. We can’t pursue men the way we pursue friendships…You obviously have a very powerful and feminine energy that drew him in at the beginning…Next time, hold your ground all the way through. Let him take the lead, and enjoy feeling honored…Both by yourself and by him.
      Hope that helps!

  • disqus_cKQ5gZuY32

    okay so i went on a date with this guy and then we kissed for like 3 or 4 sec, then he walked me to my car, and then we hugged, after the date, i messaged him sayin i had a good time ;) , but i nvr got a response from him, does he still like me?

    • http://www.alexandrafriedman.com Alexandra Friedman

      Your intuition usually is spot on…Trust it.

      He will reach out to you if he is interested.

      Move on!

  • Roxanne

    My story is a little different. About 9 months ago, a guy and I starting talking on facebook (we had a mutual friend but had never met). We continued texting back and forth opevery now and then. He called me once. We have some things in common and got along well.

    Last week I had a big party with my university class and sent him a text inviting him and his friends. To my surprise, he came, and was very flirty and game me lots of compliments. I knew a lot of people at the party so I couldn’t give him my full attention but I tried my best. Before leaving, he hugged me, kissed me on the cheek, and said he will see me sometime later. Afterwards, I texted him thanking him for coming.

    We have been texting DAILY since then (it has been over a week). He initiates most of these texts. But he has’t asked me out! I don’t want to have to ask him out because I made the first move in inviting him to the party.

    What o you advise me to do next? I don’t want to just be text buddies with this guy.

    Thanks so much in advance!

    • http://www.alexandrafriedman.com Alexandra Friedman

      Stop responding to the texts. Yes, seriously! He should ask you out…If not, he is not man enough now, and he certainly won’t be later.

      • Roxanne

        Thanks for responding Alexandra! I’m curious though…if i completely stop responding to his texts, how will he ask me out?

        • http://www.alexandrafriedman.com Alexandra Friedman

          Because if he wants you, he will find a way to get in touch! He will text you…but actually, he should really be calling. Men are chasers…and you are a hot item. Texting makes it easy.

  • Anne

    Dear Alexandra

    I went out on a date with this senior of mine for the first time last week and we’re planning out to go out again this weekend. The prblem is, he’s bringing his friend along to this event that we’re going and a foreign student in our college who is also his friend. I feel awkward and hesitate in going out with him and the two other guys that i dont know. I told him that i didnt want to go if i am the only girl in the group but he seemed to not understand or get the point.

    What should I do? Should I just go for this second date of ours or reject him nicely since I have a bad feeling of going out with two strangers in a car and also the guy who I’ve met only once. He’s 24 and I’m 20. Help.

    • http://www.alexandrafriedman.com Alexandra Friedman

      Interesting question…Follow your instinct. If it makes you nervous for your safety, you need to listen to your intuition.
      It’s usually a compliment when men want to introduce you to their friends. If it makes you more comfortable, tell them you will meet them there. This way you will have your own car, and if you feel uncomfortable at any time, you can just leave.

  • Anne

    Thank you, Alexandra. I did go out with him that day. Ok so here’s the story. This guy saw me during thus event and he later added me in facebook AND twitter and well, he asked if we could be friends. He’s 4 years older than I am and he’s my senior in college. We’ve been chatting for a year and then he asked for my number. He has been asking me out but I thought he was just being nice and flirty what so ever and I didnt want to go out with someone I’ve never met. Then one day, he asked me out again and I couldn’t figure out any excuses this time. Lol. So I said yes and we went out for tea. The night after the date, he asked me if I want to come along with him to this private event. I hesistated and rejected nicely since I’d be the only gilr there. He was frustrated and insisted that I’d tag along. After hours of arguing and giving him reasons why I think it’s unappropriate for a girl to take a ride with two strangers and a guy I’ve met once, I decided to tag along. Why not, right? It was ok and all. He brought along his bestfriend too.

    The problem now is that, after the second date ( mind you, he previously said hang out but after our first ” hang out ” he starts to call it a date instead ) we texted but now everything stopped. I mean, he still replies my tweets and stuff but he doesnt actually text me at least once per day.

    I dont know if he likes me or not. And where are we heading to? On our first date, he asked me whether am I prepared to get married in the next 2-3 years and I said no. You see, Im only 20 and he’s 24 and is graduating this year. I still have a long way to go and I told him that I’d like to settle down once graduated from med school. ” Im more of a just-go-with-the-flow type of person” I replied. I teased him once that did he miss me and he said the miss is a ‘ heavy ‘ word with a XP at the end. Now what does that means?

    Im confused. It seems like he likes me but he doesn’t. Does that even make sense? Maybe he’s just wants to get to know me and have fun before he graduates and then move one after that. Dont you think so? He keeps on saying it’s like a get to know junior thing. Is he making it clear that we are just friends?

    Sorry for the long post.

    • http://www.alexandrafriedman.com Alexandra Friedman

      Anne, I am not sure if it is a language barrier, but if this man supposedly “insisted that you tag along” after you argued with him for HOURS about how you didn’t feel comfortable going to this event in the car with strangers…This man is immature and not respectful of your comfort zone.
      If this man really liked you, he would not just be texting you…He would be picking up the phone and calling you. He would ask you out one-on-one and courting you. So who cares that he isn’t texting! No, he isn’t interested.
      Who cares what his texts mean…Stop replying to him online via IMs, Twitter, or wherever…Move on. You sound extremely mature and sophisticated for a 20 year old woman, and you deserve a man that honors and adores that about you.

  • glamgirlx23

    I went on a great date with a guy I met online Monday night. We talked for hours and he seemed really into it. Drove me home and kissed me at the end of the night before I went inside. He then followed up with a text on Wednesday saying “good morning beautiful.” We spoke for a few hours on and off since we were both at work. I did not hear from him since, so I decided to text him Friday afternoon. He responds immediately, asks what I’m doing tonight. I told him I had no plans and asked what he was doing and he says, “probably watching tv and eating ice cream.” I, of course, did not respond to that. What on earth does this mean???? Did he totally lose interest over….nothing? Please note, however, that this weekend is St. Paddy’s Day and during our date I did tell him I had lots of plans for Saturday and Sunday.

    • http://www.alexandrafriedman.com Alexandra Friedman

      He was into you and he was joking about watching TV and eating ice cream…He wanted you to respond about getting together. Did this happen today?  If so, respond and say something cute about ice cream…But don’t go over there, let him take you out again…Otherwise it will just end up as a booty call.

      • glamgirlx23

        I did text “haha I want some ice cream” and he said “you can join me.” Uhhhh, now what? Lol.
        Thanks!

        • http://www.alexandrafriedman.com Alexandra Friedman

          Meet up with him somewhere…Or it might just end up as a hookup.

          Good luck!

  • SHADY LADY

    Already know the answer on whether to initiate contact NO!. Fabulous first date. he texted next day that he absolutely for the record wanted to see me again. 2 weeks and a few text conversations later…only 2 initiated by me…and poof. Online meeting so he is probably checking out other prospects with his minimal free time and keeping me on the back burner or changed his mind. Will not text or initiate in any way again. QUESTION: I think I might take my profile down, mainly because my inbox is too full. Does this matter?

    • http://www.alexandrafriedman.com Alexandra Friedman

      I’ve been there! So confusing. You can make your profile invisible, but don’t wait around for this gent…If he wants to see you again, he will be in contact. A first date with a man is usually not as monumental as it is for women…Don’t wait for him, make your profile invisible if you want to for a little break, but don’t do it to get his attention!
      Good luck.

    • SHADY LADY

      Thank you so much for the input!! Have a hot date Weds, whew! and still meeting other very nice men. Keepin’ movin’.

      • http://www.alexandrafriedman.com Alexandra Friedman

        Go get ‘em, tiger! Sounds like you are in hot demand!!!

  • sammie88

    so i went on a date and it went good! he asked for a second date that night, but cancelled last minute. he texted me the next morning saying how beautiful i am and sweet stuff like that. he would always ask me to go out but would always cancel. finally i got fed up and wrote him a message….basically it goes like this…

    Hey!
    Good Morning.
    Just wanted to let you know if i say something i follow through and i expect the same.
    Don’t get me wrong, im no stalky girl but I think your not a phony guy and wanted to get to know you more, if you don’t see it that way then stop saying we will hang out and we never do cause being led on and lied to hurts me, telling me the truth i okay with that. Many girls don’t fess up to that but I am.

    No reply but i know he saw it from the fb thing. after that nothing. I thought by telling him how i felt it would wake him up…idk what should i do?

    • http://www.alexandrafriedman.com Alexandra Friedman

      It doesn’t matter what you did or how he reacted…Canceling on you and rescheduling is rude and imature. Wait for a man, as this BOY you are interested in is flaky. If it starts out like this, imagine what else will happen. Walk away.

  • Emily

    I met a guy online – exchanged some long messages, he asked me out – we didn’t really speak until the date (fine by me I hate getting attached to emails without knowing the person). Unexpectedly great first date – however… I have the ridiculous skill of becoming awkward /shy / cold when I like someone. He suggested a second date I agreed but at the end of the night I just gave him a quick hug and left. He was quite wary of online dating and I don’t think I’ve helped myself!! It’s day 3 now and no text from him. Should I have sent him one to let him know I am interested?

    • http://www.alexandrafriedman.com Alexandra Friedman

      Nope. Kiss or not, if he likes you, no matter what his feelings are about online dating, he WILL call. Move on. With the next gent, challenge yourself to be more in touch with your feminine energy. Go get ‘em!
      Sent from an iPhone because it makes me look cool.

  • Katie

    What if you were friends first? I.e. already friends on facebook/twitter, already hung out a bit before the first official date. Do the rules alter at all in this situation?

    • http://www.alexandrafriedman.com Alexandra Friedman

      Hey Katie, sorry for the delay. The rules ALWAYS apply. Otherwise, he will treat you like a friend…You need to change up the vibe and allow him to court you. Good luck!

  • Emily smith

    Hi Alexandria, so last weekend a really cute guy came into my work and i went up to start talking to him because that was my job as a sales person. We both found out we were both from San Diego and I told him about this event that was happening on cinco de mayo. He asked for my number and so I gave it to him. We had small conversation the next couple of days and he then said he wasn’t going to make it on time to come to that event on cinco de mayo. I kind of lost interest and then on the day of cinco de mayo he says he came back early from his trip from San Diego that weekend and wanted to know if i still wanted to go out. He picked me up, paid for the tickets, parking, and drinks. He seemed like he was really interested because he kept on asking so many questions to get to know me. It was so many questions that now Im questioning myself if I told him too much because we started getting into the conversation about exes and the past. He also had mentioned hes never been in a long term relationship longer than 3 months and to me that sounds like a red flag because hes already 26. He would make plans with me for future dates and held my hand in the car ride home. He was a gentleman having to open doors, push in my seat for me and when it started to rain he would pull his jacket above my head so i wouldn’t get wet. He walked me out to my front door and gave me a hug and a kiss telling me he would want to see me again. The next day i don’t hear from him at all and then I get a txt around 11pm saying “what uuup.” I ignored because i thought he was texting me pretty late and today i continued to ignore him. Haven’t heard from him still. Is there anything I did wrong?

    • http://www.alexandrafriedman.com Alexandra Friedman

      You didn’t do anything wrong and I love that you ignored his text…sounds like an annoying text and pretty late to be texting. I would respond the next day around late morning…10:30 or so. Say, “Hey There! I was asleep when you texted.” Hopefully he gets the hint…He should text and ask you out. If he is just annoying and conversational…either ignore him or tell him to call you later.
      He seems like a last minute guy…Don’t let him do that. He should ask you in advance.  If he doesn’t, let him go. You are considerate of your time and schedule…So don’t change that for a man.
      Good luck…You deserve an amazing love where you feel honored. Wait for it.

      Alexandra Friedman